title="Sam Guzik">Sam Guzik

Issue date: 2/6/08 Section: News

At about 2:45 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon, a man jumped 10 stories to
his death from a building at the Washington University School of
Medicine. According to the St. Louis Police Department, the man was a
former patient of the psychiatric ward of Barnes-Jewish hospital;
police have ruled the death a suicide. The St. Louis Post-Dispatch
reports that the victim fell from a high point on the Wohl Building,
4940 Children’s Place, which houses offices and a clinic.

Eric

posted 2/08/08 @ 2:09 PM CST

Besides being a ‘former psych patient,’ the man who died last
Tuesday was an artist, a biology researcher, a writer of poetry and
hilarious short stories, a dancer, a dreamer of wondrous dreams, a
brother, a son, and my friend.

Farewell my friend. Thank you for being you. You will be missed.

-Eric

Ryan T. Hill, 28, St. Louis, formerly of Arnold, died Feb. 5, 2008, in St. Louis. He was born Sept. 21,
1979, in Creve Coeur.

He was a laboratory technician for a chemical company.

He is survived by his parents, Thomas D. (Janice) Hill of St. Louis
and Barbara G. (Gary) Laird Hampel of Stephensville, Texas; his sister,
Tiffany Hill of St. Louis; stepsisters, LaRissa Hampel of
Stephensville, Texas, and Jennifer (Michael) Isaacs of Freeburg, Ill.;
half-brothers, Michael Hampel of Stephensville, Texas, and Jeffrey
(Tami) York of Norfolk, Va.; and his grandmother, Genevieve Hill of St.
Louis.

He was preceded in death by his grandparents, Jack and Rief Laird; and George Hill.

Funeral is Feb. 9 at Heiligtag-Lang-Fendler Funeral Home with the
Rev. Jerry Politte officiating. Interment is in Shepherd Hills Cemetery.

Eulogy
for Ryan
Hill                                                                                         

February 6, 2008Hello everyone,I have asked to deliver the eulogy
because I had seen Ryan towards the end, and I wanted to try to help
him, as I know his parents and friends did too.   I could see
that he was in the same downward spiral of thought and behavior that
resulted in his attempt to take his life around the same time last
year.  At that time, he was lucky enough to be saved, but this
time there was no one there to save him.  I wanted to help him get
into mental health treatment because I know how devastating the
combined illnesses of major depression and substance dependence can
be.  The last time I saw him, I asked him if he was aware that he
was self-medicating for severe depression and if there was any way I
could help him get into treatment.  Unfortunately, at this time
the drugs had taken such complete control of his mind that he could not
recognize the perils of walking down a tenuous tightrope of relative
emotional stability situated above a pit of despair.  Ryan walked
that tightrope and could not look down, as he knew well the horrors of
suffering that lied below.  For those of you who are unaware, Ryan
suffered from a severe form of Major Depressive Disorder.  He
confided in me about his emotional problems because I was both one who
would listen with empathy to his plight, just like all of you here
today, and also one with a wide knowledge of the medical nature of
depression.   Ryan had known depths of suffering that most of
us will never fathom.  Regardless of one’s beliefs, I think we
should all take a moment to understand that through this most desperate
of acts, he has liberated himself from the suffering, and we should all
take solace in the knowledge that he now rests in peace.This is not to
say that Ryan was beyond help.  He was beyond the help that any of
us could offer, but he was not beyond help.  Ryan confided in me
that he had always wanted treatment for his mental illness but had been
unable to get it because his employer would not offer health insurance
and he could not afford it.  We spoke about the crisis of
healthcare in this country, and I think he would want me to mention
this briefly.  Ryan was one of the 47 million people in this
country without health insurance, but this number is merely a statistic
until you know someone who suffers from a chronic illness like major
depression.  We agreed that prosperous nations such as ours have a
moral obligation to make healthcare available to all people.  If
Ryan had had health insurance an access to mental health treatment,
then this might have been a very different sort of gathering.  I
would also like to take a moment to speak about drugs and drug
use.  As one who has experimented with drugs at one point in my
life, I know that they are not all “evil” as the State Department and
the DEA would like you to believe.  However, some drugs are
extremely dangerous and can lead one down the path to
self-destruction.  I have never been comfortable with Ryan’s drug
use during the time that I have known him, for I could see that he was
merely using drugs to mask his underlying mental illness. 

However, his abuse was only severe enough for me to tell him that he
needed help to quit two times: before his first suicide attempt and
just recently.  At other times, I would mention that I was
available to talk about drug use problems if he ever needed to, but in
retrospect I realize that this was not enough.  I should have
educated him more about Narcotics Anonymous and reassured him that this
organization can offer a completely non-judgmental atmosphere to help
people quit using drugs when they are unable to do so on their
own.  I should have told him that the meetings are free and
allayed his fears that they would try to convert him to
Christianity.  Unfortunately, I didn’t know the truth about AA and
NA then.  I thought that they were like a cult that tried to
persuade people to quit by joining their ranks.  Then I attended
an AA meeting as part of an assignment for my Psychiatry course. 
AA or NA just provides a supportive environment of people who have a
common disease, drug addiction.  They don’t try to convert anyone
to any religion.  They merely ask that you accept that there is a
force of Universal Compassion that wants each person to live at their
fullest potential.  Ryan did not believe in God as traditionally
understood, but he certainly believed in Universal Compassion, as
exemplified by his own non-judgmental attitude and caring for others
unselfishly.  Ryan was full of love for you all and would hope
that if anyone here has problems with drugs or alcohol, they will at
the very least look into AA or NA further.  If anyone has any
questions about this, I would be happy to answer them after everyone
has had a chance to speak.I wanted to end this eulogy on a positive
note because Ryan was such a positive guy, so I will talk about why I
loved Ryan before reading some spiritual words that I have written and
quotes that I have collected in honor of him.  Ryan was a great
friend to me.  He was one of those people who wouldn’t judge
anyone unless they committed an injustice too great to ignore. 

Most of all, Ryan was a fun guy to be around because he was so
easy-going, warm and caring.  I loved spending time with him
because he had a sophisticated sense of humor and could always make me
laugh.  I remember driving back from a party we went to this
summer, where we had been up dancing all night to some of the best
music we’d ever laid ears on.  As we drove home, we were so
delirious from lack of sleep that we kept ourselves awake by having a
back-to-back joke telling banter, and as we got closer to home the
jokes got progressively more and more ridiculous, so by the time we got
to
St Louis, we had spent nearly four hours nearly pissing ourselves with
eruptive laughter.  This was the most fun I have ever had driving
for six hours without exception, and I owe it all to Ryan.  Ryan
had faced some very serious obstacles to happiness, particularly in the
past 14 months, but he faced the slings and arrows of fate with
stoicism, from the time he was viciously attacked by a gargantuan
psychotic man in the hospital to the time he got his jaw broken in two
places in front of my apartment building.  He never blamed anyone
else for his bad luck, but rather, accepted the disasters and
injustices that he faced as bad luck and circumstances, and he moved
on.  He never once complained about having his jaw wired shut for
over a month, and instead made jokes about it to amuse his
friends.  Ryan always took everything in stride.  Those are
just a few of the reasons I loved him so much.Here are some
illuminating quotes from Jesus, Gandhi and Dr. King:

 
Jesus Christ:

• Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
  Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
  Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
  Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
  Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
  Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

  Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

• … the Kingdom is inside of you, and it is outside of you. When you
  come to know yourselves, then you will become known, and you will
  realize that it is you who are the sons of the living Father. But if
  you will not know yourselves, you dwell in poverty and it is you who
  are that poverty.

A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice
for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of
the world. It was a perfect act.
  - Mahatma Gandhi on Jesus

Jesus Christ was an extremist for love, truth and goodness.
  - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Mahatma Gandhi: 

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of
truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers
and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall —
think of it, always.”
“As soon as we lose the moral basis, we cease to be religious. There is
no such thing as religion over-riding morality. Man, for instance,
cannot be untruthful, cruel or incontinent and claim to have God on his
side.”

Later in his life when he was asked whether he was a Hindu, he
replied:”Yes I am. I am also a Christian, a Muslim, a Buddhist and a
Jew.” 

Martin Luther King Jr.:

“The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral,
begetting the very thing it seeks to destroy. Instead of diminishing
evil, it multiplies it. Through violence you may murder the liar, but
you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence
you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence
merely increases hate. So it goes… Returning hate for hate multiplies
hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot
drive out hate: only love can do that.”

“Many of the ugly pages of American history have been obscured and
forgotten. A society is always eager to cover misdeeds with a cloak of
forgetfulness, but no society can fully repress an ugly past when the
ravages persist into the present.
America owes a debt of justice which it has only begun to pay. If it
loses the will to finish or slackens in its determination, history will
recall its crimes and the country that would be great will lack the
most important element of greatness — justice.”

“Jesus recognized the need for blending opposites. He knew that his
disciples would face a difficult and hostile world, where they would
confront the recalcitrance of political officials and the intransigence
of the protectors of the old order. He knew that they would meet cold
and arrogant men whose hearts had been hardened by the long winter of
traditionalism. … And he gave them a formula for action, “Be ye
therefore as wise as serpents, and harmless as doves.”  We must
combine the toughness of the serpent with the softness of the dove, a
tough mind and a tender heart.”

“The tough mind is sharp and penetrating, breaking through the crust
of legends and myths and sifting the true from the false. The
tough-minded individual is astute and discerning. He has a strong
austere quality that makes for firmness of purpose and solidness of
commitment.
Who doubts that this toughness is one of man’s greatest needs? Rarely
do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is
an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions.
Nothing pains some people more than having to think.”Ryan was always
one to think critically as Dr. King promoted.

“Soft mindedness often invades religion. … Soft minded persons have
revised the Beatitudes to read “Blessed are the pure in ignorance: for
they shall see God.” This has led to a widespread belief that there is
a conflict between science and religion. But this is not true. There
may be a conflict between soft minded religionists and tough minded
scientists, but not between science and religion. … Science
investigates; religion interprets. Science gives man knowledge which is
power; religion gives man wisdom which is control. Science deals mainly
with facts; religion deals mainly with values. The two are not rivals.
They are complementary.”Ryan was both a scientist and a spiritual
person.

“One has not only a legal, but a moral responsibility to obey just
laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust
laws.”

“I am convinced that if we are to get on the right side of the world
revolution, we as a nation must undergo a radical revolution of values.
We must rapidly begin the shift from a “thing-oriented” society to a
“person-oriented” society. When machines and computers, profit motives
and property rights are considered more important than people, the
giant triplets of racism, materialism, and militarism are incapable of
being conquered.”The only things that truly mattered to Ryan were love,
family and friendship.

“As long as the mind is enslaved, the body can never be free.”At the
end, Ryan’s mind was enslaved by cocaine, an oppressor to which we
could all fall victim under the wrong circumstances.

“I know that love is ultimately the only answer to mankind’s
problems. And I’m going to talk about it everywhere I go. I know it
isn’t popular to talk about it in some circles today. I’m not talking
about emotional bosh when I talk about love, I’m talking about a
strong, demanding love. And I have seen too much hate… I have decided
to love. If you are seeking the highest good, I think you can find it
through love. And the beautiful thing is that we are moving against
wrong when we do it, because John was right, God is love. He who hates
does not know God, but he who has love has the key that unlocks the
door to the meaning of ultimate reality.”Though Ryan faced many
injustices, he was always full of love, never hate.  Ryan was
never aggressive.  He was a Lover, not a Fighter.

“When our days become dreary with low-hovering clouds of despair,
and when our nights become darker than a thousand midnights, let us
remember that there is a creative force in this universe, working to
pull down the gigantic mountains of evil, a power that is able to make
a way out of no way and transform dark yesterdays into bright
tomorrows. Let us realize the arc of the moral universe is long but it
bends toward justice.”
“Survival demands that we grapple with them. Men, for years now, have
been talking about war and peace. But now, no longer can they just talk
about it. It is no longer a choice between violence and nonviolence in
this world; it’s nonviolence or nonexistence.”Ryan always chose
non-violence until the end, when his suffering was too great to bear
any longer.

“Well, I don’t know what will happen now. We’ve got some difficult
days ahead. But it doesn’t matter with me now. Because I’ve been to the
mountaintop. And I don’t mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a
long life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that
now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the
mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the Promised Land. I may
not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a
people will get to the Promised Land. And I’m happy, tonight. I’m not
worried about anything. I’m not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen
the glory of the coming of the Lord.”

Ryan has made it to the Promised Land.  With that, I turn it
over to the next speaker.  Ryan, I love you brother, may you Rest
In Peace.

After
Ryan graduated he got a job at Purina working on flavors for dog food.
One night, we were hanging out with my dead dog Basie (he hadn’t died
yet) and we got to talking about why dogs liked what they liked and how
the dog food making process was designed to make what dogs like seem
more appetizing for their owners. Thus, dog food like Beneful (the
brand he worked on) is colored, pelletized, and packaged as if it is
really derived from healthy veggies like celery and whatnot. The
problem as you probably guessed with that is that dogs don’t really dig
celery.

Ryan explained, what happens at the dog food factory, is that they
spray on fat and protein to the pellets making it smell good to the
dog. That’s the greasy coating. It’s also the first thing to lose
flavor making your dog less excited about eating the second half of the
bag.

I also have a cat.  Ryan really liked my cat. One of Basie’s
favorite things, as it is most dogs, is to treat themselves to kitty
cat crunchies. While Ryan and I laughed about how it’s a great way to
keep the litter box clean and perfectly delicious to a dog’s palette,
it’s also obviously disgusting.

So then, given his biochemical smarts, Ryan’s brain began churning
on the chemical composition of cat shit and concluded that it was the
protein that’s undigested that is so tasty. Cat food you see is very
very high in protein, and since Cats are pretty much carnivores, Ryan
thought that if you could reproduce in the lab what dogs taste and love
so much about their poop, but make it not stink, then you could have a
fun gag gift of a dog treat product. Maybe even sell it at
Spencers.  We dreamed of getting rich off cat shit flavored dog
treats.

We laughed about this for years. I wish we could still keep laughing about it.

-Nestor

I wanted to highlight some of the moments that stick out in my head when I think about Ryan.

—————————–

When I moved to St. Louis in July 07 I attended the weekly Meet n’
Greet for the burner community and Ryan was the second person I met. I
was in the middle of a discussion with the one person I knew and Ryan
introduced himself after overhearing me talk of my virus issues with my
computer. He explained his expertise and similar recent problems with
his computer as well and then offered to help me out. I was amazed with
his eagerness to assist a stranger. The following week he called me and
fixed my computer. During that time, we had long talks about our
parallel work history and creative interests. He expressed wanting to
start glass etching and tiling and we planned to get together and have
workshops when he got the tools. Later that night we caravanned to
Lynn’s birthday party and had a lot of fun there. Ryan was so easy
going and accepting and we had so much in common that I felt an instant
bond. He made me feel welcome to St. Louis and I regret never saying
that to him.  

From then on, each Tuesday at the Meet n’ Greets we would always
make time to talk which I appreciated and had come to rely on. He
told me about his distress over the incident at work where the escaped
mental patient attacked him in the cafeteria while he was eating. He
had persistent back pain and had to take pain relievers constantly
because it was so unbearable. I would try to cheer him up by playing
like little kids. I would give him piggyback rides running through the
crowds and then he would do the same for me. Each Tuesday I
would light up and look forward to his smiling face, a huge
hug and kiss and his ability to cheer me up no matter how bad of a
day I had.

During Oct 07 at Hullabalu, a burner event in Booneville MO, it was
raining so hard that we were all camped in a literal river. I was
looking forward to spending the day with Ryan but he was running late
and didn’t show until after I went to bed. I awoke to his sweet voice
carrying on conversations at our camp and yelled “Good morning Ryan”,
“Good morning Rae”. Those few words, silly as it sounds, were the most
comforting way to start the day. The sun was shining, everything
vwas dry, I even got a sunburn. It was like he brought the good
weather with him. He said he’d been dancing most of the night and had a
lot of fun but couldn’t break out his black lights because his car was
parked so far away. I complimented him on his army t-shirt he was
wearing that had his astro sign on it. He was proud to say he made it
and we went on to talk about all the exciting crafty projects that were
yet to come.

One day I received a call from Ryan saying he had been beaten
up on the way to Nick’s and headed to the dentist. I panicked but he
said “it’s ok. I didn’t get robbed and Nick and I still went out that
night to the club. I danced with this hot chic and had a great time”.
It’s incredible how in his stressful situations Ryan always had a way
of making you feel comfortable. He called me after going to the
dentist, he discovered his jaw was fractured in two places, he had to
have his jaw wired shut and the root canal he had just had prior to the
accident would have to be fixed. The following week I saw him and he
was handling it well….even making jokes about it. I told him I was
going to be his bodyguard and chauffer to protect him since it seems
it’s been one thing after another happening to him. We joked about
winning the lottery and building a house with a large stone wall around
it where he would stay inside and I would be posted at the gate.
Through our crazy laughter, we both knew we were serious and he
understood that I had his back. The following week I saw him we were
talking about his eating regimen and how hard it was giving up meat.
Some people joked picking on him about his weight loss
and it made me mad. He just laughed and said “you try eating yogurt for
days on end and see what happens” or “they’re just jealous because I
make skinny look good”. A few days later a mutual friend from KC was
coming to town and staying with me so I invited Ryan over to have a get
together (in an attempt to help him temporarily forget his inability to
eat). We played loud music and hulahooped. I started putting on
costumes and we’d dance. Before I changed into another one, I
would put a piece of it on him. Just like always he
did his typical antics “look I can disco and hoop at the same time!”
and made that night the most fun I had ever had. Before he left I
gave him a glass of hot water with melted beef bouillon cubes in it. He
drank it and yelled “MEAT!!!”. He was so happy to have the taste of
meat again. I stuffed a bunch of cubes in a ziploc and sent them home
with him. The next day he called me laughing saying ”Rae, I
love you and appreciate what you were trying to do but I paid for it
dearly”. Unfortunately the bouillon when straight through his system
and gave him diarrhea. I felt so bad but he said it was worth
it. The following week I saw a commercial running for Verizon. It
was about a guy, similar to Ryan’s build who fell on a curb (exactly
like Ryan’s mugging) and had his jaw wired shut. It depicted the
guy trying desperately to drink through a straw and grabbing his face
in pain when he tried to laugh. I warned Ryan not to watch tv for a
couple weeks and explained why.

Celebrating Ryan’s birthday at Lafayette Pub was a blast. We danced
throughout the night and Nova even hooped and breathed fire in the
parking lot for us. He expressed his gratitude for being there.

As our bond grew, I had decided to offer Ryan a place to stay. I had
an extra bedroom, could use the help on rent and had narrowed the
potential roommate list down to Ryan or Sumo. Before I could talk to
Ryan about it, he told me he had found a place and would be moving in
the next month or so. I wanted to still offer my place as an
option but he seemed so excited about it boasting how he looked forward
to cultivating the garden in the front yard, the renovation potential
inside and having a cellar. I told him I love to paint and wanted to
help.

November 17, 07 we had a camp out in Potosi, MO at a friend’s
acreage. Ryan was running late, it was getting dark and I was worried.
He finally pulled up. I ran to the car to greet him and he was
hysterical saying he had just been rear-ended a mile back by a truck
pulling cattle in a trailer. He was extremely worried about the
aftermath…what if he loses his car, what if the other person’s
insurance doesn’t cover it, what if he is hurt…his neck was already
starting to bother him from the whiplash. I tried to comfort him as
much as possible, joking with him and pointing out the impression of
the license plate from the guy who hit him…saying “well, if it was a
hit and run at least you’d have the guy’s plate number”. He hadn’t
noticed it and broke into laughter. I was still worried about him
because it was the first time he openly expressed to everyone how down
he was. We kept in touch throughout the next few weeks. He gave me his
settlement papers to mail for his attack at the hospital. He had high
hopes that he would get a large return but unfortunately he didn’t. I
told him to sue for more money…he certainly deserved it considering the
extent of his injuries.

Christmas day 07 we talked and I went to his place that
night to help him paint cabinets. I got there early before
Ryan and there was someone who moved boxes out and then
left. I told Ryan about it and found out it was an ex-roommate that had
been kicked out and was stealing. Luckily the only things of Ryan’s he
took was some candy and his pack of Coca-Cola from the refrigerator. We
obsessed on that forever…saying who really steals pop on christmas day,
are you serious?? Ryan called Dennis and asked him to change the locks.
Aside from that, we had a great night. He gave me a house tour, bragged
about his favorite light that says ‘PornStar’ and how his black lights
survived the car crash, showed me his latest mosaic tile creation he
was putting in the bathroom and raved about his mom who had sent him
glass kit items she had found in an estate sale (we spent hours looking
at his surplus and planned to do the workshops we’d talked about before
once it got warm out). We decided to nix the idea of painting and
instead I watched Ryan put up his miniature christmas
tree. We laughed for a while about it blowing the circuit breaker
when he plugged it in. After digging in the cellar and getting the
power on, we watched a movie (which I feel awful that I fell asleep
during). He had wrapped me in a blanket and woke me up to feed me
a Tombstone pizza he made…I remember thinking how awesome he is! After
talking a little while I decided it was getting real late and I needed
to go home. I never took the opportunity to tell him that as soon as he
started talking it made me completely forget I had been feeling
very depressed that day with family issues.

After not seeing him on New Year’s Eve I talked to him and
asked if he was ok. He lit up with excitement and said
he’d gone to an elite St. Louis club where rich people
attended and he had a lot of fun. He bragged about the gorgeous diamond
chain around his neck and how he’d gotten it as a door prize. 

Three weeks ago I called Ryan and told him I was picking him up to
go to a club to see a Burlesque show and I wasn’t taking no for an
answer. I was hoping it would pick his spirits up. My friend and I
picked him up and rushed to the club to beat the cover. I got a kick
out of hearing the car sounds Ryan was making as he narrated my
‘nascar driving’. Upon arriving, I ran into someone I went on a
couple dates with and who has stalked me ever since. Ryan immediately
pretended to be my boyfriend and kept him at bay. Thank you so much!
During the show one of the dancers chose Ryan out of all the guys in
the audience to incorporate into the show. She sat him on a chair in
the middle of the stage and danced for him singing a country song. It
was great and we all had a blast. I don’t think I’d seen him smile so
big before.

Two weeks ago he and I talked at Meet n’ Greet. The insurance
company totalled his car, his job was ending sooner than he’d hoped and
he was worried. I was pulled in a lot of different ways that night by
other friends who also had personal issues. I tried to equally divide
my time and talk to him but couldn’t give him as much as I would’ve
liked to. Later that night I made a group toast to Heath Ledger who had
died earlier that day of an accidental sleeping pill overdose. I
whispered to him that some people weren’t going to like the toast
because he was a movie star and Ryan said ‘he was a person’. I thanked
him for his equality and it pains me to deal with the fact that two
weeks later I made a toast to his own death.

Saturday (Mardi Gras) right before his final days, I called
Ryan and left a message saying I wanted him to come down and get out of
the house. He called me back late Sunday but I was sleeping and didn’t
hear my phone. When I checked my missed calls late Monday I figured I
would just talk to him Tuesday night at the Meet n’ Greet. He didn’t
show and didn’t leave a voicemail. Not calling him back has been my
utmost regret.

A couple days ago when I went to the funeral I was happy to see him.
Although his hair wasn’t how he’d style it and he didn’t have a black
light lying next to him he was at peace. I got to meet his mom and
dad he talked highly of and the memorial service with his friends was
great. Nick read a euology which reflected Ryan perfectly. I made a
display of pictures of Ryan which included mosaic tile in memory of the
creative times we wouldn’t get to share. I enjoyed meeting his other
friends, hearing their stories and seeing how he touched their
lives. I learned that of the few close friends, Ryan only revealed
small parts of his depression to some of us and maybe if
we had gotten together and discussed these parts, the outcome
might have been different.

Last night I had a dream about Ryan. This last week has had me full
of regret thinking I didn’t act enough or express my love enough. I
know it’s survivor’s guilt but I can’t help feeling it. In my dream it
was summer time, sun shining brightly, the perfect day. Ryan showed up
at my door and looked great…happy. We sat and talked for hours about my
feelings and I kept saying “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you”. He
hugged me, looked me in the eyes and said “I know, it’s ok”. He then
went on to cook me a fantastic lunch which included broiled tomatoes
with basil and cheese I woke up feeling refreshed and settled.
Because of this dream, I strongly believe and feel he is in a better
place and is happy. Knowing Ryan has enriched my life in more ways than
I thought possible. His optimism and gratitude to others has made me a
better person. I didn’t have the best upbringing and guarded
myself in making friends because they have always hurt me in one
way or another. In retrospect I didn’t think twice about letting
Ryan in as a friend and although I mourn his passing, I don’t regret
knowing him. He quickly became one of the closest people in my life. He
accepted my faults and welcomed me with open arms. He was so full of
love and happiness and the best soul I have ever met. I regret not
telling him how big of a part of my life he was and wish I could’ve
looked at the bigger picture to brush aside the little problems in my
life so I could spend more time with him when it really mattered. This
experience has taught me to take advantage of expressing my love
to those important to me and live each moment to the fullest. I love
you Ryan and I know I’ll see you again one day.

—————–

I can’t believe I forgot about this Ryan moment…it just
hit me this morning on my way to work. It was the night we were at Rue
(where he got pulled out of the crowd by the dancer). The dancers would
come out for their show 20-30 min and then take an hour break
throughout the night. I was bored during the breaks…I think Ryan was
getting restless too so I yelled out “The time is now 11pm” and (I know
I’m going to get this wrong but) Ryan said something like ”It’s
biomolecular discovery time and at 12 we will be discussing the history
of music and at 1, evolution”. I laughed so hard. I loved how he and I
could play off one another like that. Most people wouldn’t have had
anything to say or if they did, no where near as great as that. He’d
entertain me with scientific ramblings until the dancers came out and
then we’d watch the show. When it got to 12:00, I’d say “Ryan! It’s 12!
What was our topic again?!”. He’d light up and remind me then we’d
start our discussion. This continued on through 2am. Other people
looked at us like we were crazy but it was so amazing that we could
make our own fun and best of all, I looked up to him as my intellectual
partner. When others are talking about the weather or some lame sport,
I could always count on Ryan to stimulate my mind and imagination. I
miss this and his smiling face most.

———————-

Nestor: I just saw that you needed a copy of the obituary so here it is:

Hill, Ryan T. of South St. Louis County, Tuesday, February 5, 2008.
Beloved son of Thomas D. (Janice) Hill and Bobbi (Gary) Hampel; dear
brother of Tiffany Hill, Michael and LaRissa Hampel, Jeffrey (Tami)
York and Jennifer (Michael) Isaacs; dear grandson of Genevieve and the
late George Hill and the late Jack and Reif Laird; our dear nephew,
cousin and friend.Services: Funeral from HEILIGTAG-LANG-FENDLER Funeral
Home, 1081 Jeffco Blvd., Arnold, MO on Saturday, February 9, 2008 at 2
p.m. Interment Shepherd Hills Cemetery. Visitation Saturday from 10
a.m. until time of Service. Contributions to the University of Missouri
St. Louis, Biology Department appreciated. 

-Rae